


Please Don't Let  Go

by isseitaka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alright I said this was going to focus on Iwaizumi and Takahiro's part of the relationship, But that was just false, Fighting, Getting Back Together, I wrote this when I was really upset and sad and I just, I'm Sorry, It's going to show their relationship together, M/M, but i promise it'll get better, each of their emotions and how they cope through a crisis, it's probably not going to be what you want to see or hear, ok listen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:35:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8785180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isseitaka/pseuds/isseitaka
Summary: Hanamaki screws up for the last time and Iwaizumi's more than angry, he's done.





	1. Chapter 1

"No, he'll be mad." 

"Trust me, he'll get over it!"

"I'm still sore from the last pinch he gave me."

"Come on Makki-chan, I dared you"

"Goddamnit, you know I never pass up a dare."

"I know." He said while passing Hanamaki the phone, "Do it."

Granted, it wasn't such a big deal to call into your boyfriend's work phone, at least in Hanamaki's world. Maybe he shouldn't have used the name 'Crystal Honey" in the shyest kunoichi voice he could muster wondering where 'her client' was as she 'did not see his beautiful face in the bar last night.' And perhaps he should have stopped when he could hear other people's voices on the phone laughing, obviously on speaker phone. When he heard Iwaizumi's approaching voice asking what was going on, he had immediately cut the call, but he knew he'd never hear the end of it. 

It's not that he didn't love torturing Iwaizumi, it was just that it was harder to make it up to him. Matsukawa was easy since one second of Hanamaki's pout got him rolling on the floor. For Oikawa, it was knowing the exact spots that got him to forget about his weekly, perhaps even monthly stresses, even for just a little bit. For Iwaizumi, however, he would have to do a whole lot more. Last time Hanamaki did something stupid, Iwaizumi refused to talk to him for a whole week, literally. Hanamaki had to corner him and apologize profusely, and maybe there were a few tears too (He would swear it was just an act to everyone else). Even after that, he still got his ears pinched hard. Yes, Iwaizumi was a hard one to please. 

Though he loved him all the same. Afterwards Iwaizumi usually becomes his own little fluff ball and those are the moments that Hanamaki loved best. When Iwaizumi wraps his arms around him and holds him, and nuzzles him, and tells him he loves him. Especially lately, since everyone seemed so busy, which sounded good right now...

When the door slammed open that afternoon, Hanamaki let out a surprised squeal in the kitchen before throwing down his ovenmits and making a run for it. It was bad enough Matsukawa had an afternoon class and Oikawa had a shift at his restaurant job (the tips were great this time - as he would often say), which meant he would have to deal with Iwaizumi's anger alone. Great, just what he needed. 

Panic rushed through his veins as he heard loud footsteps echo towards him, which made him aware that Iwaizumi didn't even take off his shoes, which meant he was pissed. Pissed beyond heavens. He couldn't blame him, but come on it was kind of funny? He quickly darted towards one of their rooms right after swerving out the open kitchen doorway, not sparing a glance towards the oncoming chaos that was on his tail ready for the kill. He quickly threw himself in one of their bedrooms and turned around to shut the door. Though it seemed he wasn't fast enough as Iwaizumi had blocked it with his hard shoe, causing the door to open wide as he kicked it open. Hanamaki was tossed back by the strength, and onto the two single beds which were pushed together. 

He knew he was in deep shit as he heard the door slowly close behind him, entrapping the two in the bedroom. Hanamaki refused to look up at him, though his mouth was twitching at the possibilities.

"Oh, you think this is funny?" Iwaizumi asked him, surprisingly his voice was calmer than he was anticipating although it held menace, "You think everything is funny, don't you? Everything is just a big joke for you, isn't it?"

"Come on Haj, you know it's not true" He used his nickname for him, hoping to get on his good side, but Iwaizumi doesn't even pause. The master he was.

"I don't know how many times I've told you. TOLD you not to interfere with my work. You have no consideration for others personal space. What if I called up your work and did the same thing to you, huh? Would it be funny? Hanamaki, they're all calling me Penny popper or pusher or something of the sort. And I don't even know what the hell that means!""

By that time, Hanamaki had erupted in a fit of laughter. He never heard that one before, "It does sound, funny." He snorts out a response.

".... Oh right. I forgot. You can't even hold a job, can you?"

That made him go deadly silent. Never in their relationship had he ever heard those words come out of his mouth, it erked him, "Woah Hajime, calm your panties for a sec, it was just a fucking joke."

"No it wasn't a fucking joke. It was my work place for goodness sakes. A stress-mine all by itself. You know the level of respect I had to earn as the new manager? All that work, right down the drain from that one stupid call you made. I couldn't turn corners without people talking about it. It was fucking horrible."

Hanamaki bit his lip as he really started to feel bad, "Lighten up. It's not like they'll talk about it forever. Maybe for a few days until it all blows over. And that silly foreign guy you talk about, what was his name? Charles? Sleeps with one of the clients again, yes." He gave a nervous laugh.

But Iwaizumi didn't, not even a bit, "And that's your answer to everything, it will just blow over. You never take anything serious in your life."

"Listen, I know you're mad but-"

"I'm not the only one who thinks it either.

"Maybe we should talk about this later before one of us says something we regret."

"Issei, Tooru and I have ALL wondered when you're going to stop and take life serious for a change. Stop screwing around. Make something of yourself and maybe pay the rent once in a while. Instead of going job to job, complaining that your back hurts or you got a cramp or someone said a 'comment' to hurt your pride and you had to quit. Guess what Makki? My back hasn't stopped hurting for the past five years and I never stopped working, not once."

"Iwaizumi. Please, I'm sorry okay?"

Iwaizumi shut his mouth as soon as he took in Hanamaki's features. He was visibly shaken, and his eyes were turning red by the second. But... "It's not good enough." Hanamaki looked like he had been decked in the face when he heard that, his eyes widening slightly at the shake of Iwaizumi's head. 

Hanamaki stood up to reach for him, but Iwaizumi bypassed him, "You've done this so many times Hanamaki, and I've let it slide as many times as I could because I love you so damn much - but you put my livelihood at stake here, my credibility as a manager, hell I almost lost my job because I took my anger out on one of our large clients. That's something you'll never understand, and I'm tired of trying to explain it to you."

"I swear to god, it was the last time, oh my god" Hanamaki was hyperventilating by this point, he hoped this was just one sick joke he was playing at, "Please Haj, please" This time he successfully touched him, held him, placed his hands around his neck tightly, without receiving any warmth back, "I love you guys. So much. It was just one joke, I promise, one joke. We don't have to take our frustrations out with one joke, right?"

"... But that's the problem, it wasn't just one joke." He moved back, stone-faced, as was his body, looking down at Hanamaki's wide eyes, "You try to get out of everything, like the rules don't apply to you. Then you do the same thing all over again. I'm done. And let me tell you, I'm not the only one who's tired." Iwaizumi successfully pushed him off. Hanamaki was staring at him in disbelief at the cold expression he wore, one he didn't quite recognize, "I don't want to see you in my house right now. I'll send your things to your parents place."

"Are you serious...?" Hanamaki whispered, Iwaizumi clenched his fists and teeth and said,

"I told you, didn't I Hanamaki? Leave, now."


	2. Chapter 2

You know when you wake up, and just know that it was going to be a great day? That was how Matsukawa felt, that morning, through classes, during his part-time job. He had been formally recognized in his lecture by his professor, in front of 200+ students, who were rather "impressed" by the slideshow he put together on his own. According to his lovers, Matsukawa was definitely the creative one of the group. His talent for writing, arranging, and piecing together things were highly appreciated. His professor was rather a bulky, grey-haired conservative guy who held much wisdom in his eyes. He was also one of those types who were hard to please, that had a comment for everything and anything even though nobody asked.. The fact that he called Matsukawa's project "the best he had ever seen" and "had a good future ahead of him" - two compliments in one sitting, caused the class to gaze in awe, someone had even gasped, and Matsukawa's heart felt like it was about to erupt, with laughter and joy. He left class early to share this experience with his lovers.

He had definitely worked his best; forced to ignore his lovers in the process and it was no easy task. This included ignoring Oikawa's constant cry for attention from him, Hanamaki's numerous kisses to his ears, to his neck, to his chest (like the evil asshole he was) and Iwaizumi, who, was.... well, basically peeling and eating a banana right in front of them. Hanamaki and Oikawa were swooning verbally, where Matsukawa had to keep his eyes clear, even though it was killing him. Because if he was distracted now, if he was in the mood and couldn't take "that' image out of his head, well, he definitely would be doomed. When he was editing his final piece, he had caught the word 'banana' written a couple of times in a project about civil liberties. 

When he called up Hanamaki and Oikawa, they had congratulated him profusely, promising some special time after he got home. He had left a voicemail on Iwaizumi's machine which had been returned swiftly. Matsukawa could practically hear him smiling through the phone, telling Matsukawa he was proud of him. Matsukawa swooned, before returning to lecture to watch some of the other projects and take notes.

After attending two other classes, he had then left for his part-time job at his uncles store, spending the rest of the day with a grin on his face that didn't waver, nor go unnoticed. After a week of exhausting himself, he was quite excited to go home with his mind fresh from useless thoughts, spending the rest of his time cuddling up against his lovers. He just couldn't wait. 

***

Oikawa felt like it was going to be a good day. After kissing goodbye to Hanamaki, he went straight to his part-time job about three in the afternoon. Even though the restaurant was quite full, a hotspot for teenagers and young adults, it definitely meant a lot of extra tips. He had used his looks and personality to impress many of the girls and boys alike, which he used to his advantage to get more. During his break, Hanamaki had called him a slut over the phone, laughing. Oikawa had grinned, damn straight. 

He had totally hit the bank at the end of his shift especially after realizing it was pay day. After cashing in his cheque, he decided to use his tip money to lavish his lovers. He had grabbed take out from Iwaizumi's favorite sushi restaurant, two frozen steaks from the market where he would promise to make Matsukawa's favorite dinner, and for Hanamaki he had went to a bakery. Buying creampuffs, macrons, and any other sweet that he knew Hanamaki would enjoy. He also picked up a few milk breads for himself, excitedly. He just couldn't wait to see their expressions when he got home.

He met Matsukawa outside their apartment who had just returned from his own part-time job, sharing grins. Matsukawa kissed him on the cheek, asking him what was in the multiple bags he was holding, trying to take a peek for himself. Oikawa only giggled, turning away, telling him that he'll have to wait to find out which made Matsukawa pout but follow him.

Opening the door, they both paused as they looked inside the barely lit apartment, which surprised both of them, especially since they didn't hear the cheerful boist of "Welcome home!" or someone running to tackle them or complete chaos. Glancing at each other momentarily, Oikawa stepped inside first, then Matsukawa after him, "Makki?" Oikawa called within the house, not taking off his shoes.

"Hajime?" Matsukawa called after, looking around.

"....... In here...." A tight voice replied, causing them both to practically dash towards the kitchen. At the dining table sat Iwaizumi, still in his work suit even though he had been there for a couple of hours, back turned to them, hands on his face. In front of him sat a tray of cookies, a cup filled with tea till the top, which when touched were both at room temperature.

And Hanamaki was no where in sight.

That's when they both knew something was terribly wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......don't kill me please.....


	3. Chapter 3

"Goddamnit Makki" Matsukawa hissed under his breath, after trying to call the other's cell one, two, five times. Beside Iwaizumi, Oikawa had pulled up a chair and was cautiously rubbing his shoulders hoping it would bring some sort of relief. The sushi that he placed in front of him, opened, as well as the now-heated tea remained untouched. Iwaizumi was silent the entire time, refusing to answer any of their questions. 

"Damnit." Matsukawa dropped the hand which held the phone, fingers tightening over it. The ringer had stopped working, and was now going straight to voicemail. He had to take a moment, biting his lip, contemplating his next move before turning around and walking toward his boyfriends. Standing on the other side of Iwaizumi, across from Oikawa, and said, "Please, Hajime, listen. If something happened you have to tell us. Did you and Makki have a fight? Was he here when you came back? What happened?"

"Iwa-chan, please talk to us." Oikawa begged him, softly pushing Iwaizumi's shoulder back and forth in hopes he'll tell them. 

At last, Iwaizumi slowly dropped the hands off his face. Oikawa stopped moving, eyes widened and momentarily paling. Matsukawa felt his breath hitch. Iwaizumi's eyes were fluffy and red, lips stoic, he barely looked at his boyfriends as he grabbed the newly warmed tea in front of him and took a long sip.

"Iwa-chan...?"

"He's not here" Iwaizumi replied, finally, to the question that lingered in the air. He had to clear his throat as something felt like it was stuck in it. Oikawa and Matsukawa glanced at eachother, faces mum.

"W-what happened...?" Oikawa asked, placing a hand over his, relieved that Iwaizumi didn't shrug it off. 

"Did you guys fight...? Did he storm out?" 

Matsukawa knew it must be more sinister than that. The fact that Hanamaki didn't call either of them, the fact that Iwaizumi wasn't talking and had remnants of dry tears over his face... and new ones. 

"Please Haj, if something happened, we have to talk about this. Do you know where he is right now?"

Iwaizumi looked down at himself then towards Matsukawa who was staring at him just as seriously. Oikawa watched them while biting his lip.

"... I told him... to leave..." Iwaizumi replied, his voice as tense as when they first entered. Matsukawa and Oikawa's eyes both widened. Matsukawa felt his knees weaken, forced to plop on the chair behind him, though his eyes never left Iwaizumi's own.

"... Why?"

"Because... Because I was so tired. I told him... that I was tired of being taken advantage of. That.... That he was never serious in his life, about anything. It's always jokes with him you know? I was just so exhausted, my day went from good to worst in mere seconds... and he was... he was just smiling through it all."

"Iwa-chan..." whispered Oikawa from behind him, Iwaizumi didn't look at him, couldn't, his eyes were flat on Matsukawa's, but they really weren't. 

"He just didn't understand. I had to do something, I couldn't let him get away with it, after all that shit he put us through. Matsukawa, it was.. it was so bad. I know it wasn't fair to you guys, for chucking him out without your input, but I needed to teach him a lesson. We're all so easy with him and I... I just needed to show him that it wasn't going to fly this time. That what he did wasn't okay."

Matsukawa reached his hand forward, placing it over Iwaizumi's which was about to touch the handle of his mug again. Instead, Matsukawa squeezed it, looking directly in his eyes, out of comfort, out of love.

"I told him he was useless.. that we all thought so, and we were all just so done with it. He should be at his parents right now. You should have seen the look on his face when he left here.... Hah." A tear escaped Iwaizumi's eye, sliding down his face. Oikawa moved to wipe it, but Iwaizumi had already flicked it away, took Oikawa's hand again, before looking back at Matsukawa, "I just-"

"I know" mumbled Matsukawa, moving his other hand to rub Iwaizumi's outside palm, before raising it up and pressing his lips to it, "We'll get through this, I know we can... but first, you have to rest, you look like a mess." Matsukawa chuckled, trying to lighten things up, but even the smile he made looked sad. Oikawa forced himself to bite back a cry.

Standing up, Oikawa took Iwaizumi by the arm, rising him from his chair even though he was capable of doing it by himself. He pulled Iwaizumi closer to him, and helped him to their room while Matsukawa stayed, flopping back in his chair, his mind all over the place.

When Oikawa came out after five minutes, he watched Matsukawa as he pulled on his jacket. It was almost half past ten, and the weather was definitely much colder than when they arrived. Matsukawa looked at him, then looked down as he adjusted the leather, stating, "I'm going to go see him, perhaps give him a piece of mind about answering a peculiar person's phone." He grumbled this in a harsh voice, but he wasn't actually mad. Oikawa understood this, "How's Hajime doing?"

"I helped him out of his clothes. When I turned around he was laying on the bed, eyes closed. Didn't know if he was sleeping or not." Their voices were condensed to a whisper, even as they were walking to the door, "What can I do?"

"Stay with him, he needs us, they both do." Matsukawa replied. He felt Oikawa's hands over his jacket, halting him from taking another step out the door, they both looked at eachother.

"... I'm scared Mattsun.... What's going to happen to us?" His voice broke as he was saying this, causing Matsukawa to bite his lip as his heart skipped a beat, and not in a good way.

"... You're such a dumbie..." Matsukawa whispered, kissing him lightly on the forehead, and just like that Oikawa completely broke down. Matsukawa pulled him in his chest tightly, burying his face in his hair, as Oikawa tried to muffle his own cries in his boyfriend's jacket.

His lovers needed him. Takahiro. Hajime. Tooru. He was only one person, but he'd risk his life for them in a heartbeat. And if that meant burying his own tears and emotions forever, he'd gladly to do it without a second thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Although it was almost eleven when Matsukawa walked out in the cold, he decided to call Hanamaki's home phone. He reconciled that he would only try once, and if it didn't go through he'd do what they did as teenagers and sneak in by the large tree in his backyard. Although his age, weight, and stability were no longer the same, he would definitely try his best.

He didn't want Hanamaki thinking useless thoughts. He had to make sure he was okay. He felt quite surprised when someone picked up the home line, after no luck with Hanamaki's own cell, a somewhat familiar voice replying to him, "Mmm, Takahashi residence."

Takahashi? "Kaa-san...?"

He heard fumbling on the other end before a surprised shriek reached his ears, causing him to wince slightly, "Matsukawa?? Is that you? How are you doing? You boys haven't visited me in forever, though I won't hold it against you college boy, don't worry."

Matsukawa blinked, feeling a small smile rise to his lips.

"Kaa-san, it's been a while. I'm fine really, studies are just exhausting and work is just as bad. But I get through it. Um... I was wondering, is Makki-"

"Oh. How is my little son doing? That boy barely calls now, such a rascal."

Matsukawa blinked at this, feeling his stomach do a flip. With the most calmest voice he could muster, he asked, "Would it be okay if I come visit? Tooru bought some sushi, and we all already ate, so..."

"Huh? Well it's pretty late, but... oh, I could never say no to you boys, come up here right this instant!"

***

Tsuma Takahashi's eyes beamed as she opened the door and took in the image of her son's boyfriend. Standing awkwardly, one hand in his pocket, the other holding a bag of food. Unable to help herself, she reached over and enveloped him in a giant bear hug, which he returned with one hand, the both of them smiling as they moved back from the embrace. She took the bag willingly as it was offered to her, declaring her thanks.

"Thank you Matsukawa, I'm sorry that I couldn't help myself there. You've just grown so much over the years...making me sort of emotional."

It was also obvious she was trying her best to stay awake, her eyes were slightly narrowed than usual and slightly red, her hands weakly held the bag in front of her, almost to the point she had to catch herself before she dropped it, "Come in, come in!" She ushered him, as she walked over to a table to set the bag down. Matsukawa took a giant step in and looked around, everything was different from what he last remembered, the furniture, even the paint. 

"I'm sorry that you had to stay awake because of me." He had then said, feeling quite bad about it as she noticeably stumbled in front of him.

She blinked, turned around, before a sheepish grin moved over her lips, reminding him of a certain someone that now made his heart ache, "Not your fault, really. I was probably going to have to wake up soon anyway." He lifted an eyebrow, but before he could ask, she already cut him off, "So what really brings you here? Don't give me that look, I know you didn't come here at 11 at night with nigiri just for the hell of it. Does my son owe someone money or something...?"

Matsukawa bit his lip, "I'm sorry Kaa-san, but I need to ask this. Has Takahiro been here today? We... sort of got into a little scuffle and he stormed out."

Tsuma blinked, taking it all in with a hum, "Welll.... No. Like I said, he barely comes over here, never calls. You wouldn't think he was my son, the way he treats me." She sighed, looked over at him and asked, "So what happened?"

Matsukawa was too busy freaking out in his mind to really process her question until she asked him again, "Oh...um, it was just one of our regular fights, happens to the best of us." He swallowed hard, no it didn't, "He told me he'd be here..."

"Well he isn't" She shook her head, "Honestly, things haven't been the greatest between us so I'm not surprised. You'd probably know where he is now better than I do... and when you do find him, meaning when he comes wandering back, tell that little brat to call me, you hear? Or I'll invite myself to your house and do some rearranging."

Matsukawa blinked, resisted the urge to grin and told her she was always welcome. The two exchanged hugs and kisses before they intended to go their separate ways. Until a loud outcry caused him to pause, groans from above and below, from her, and another peculiar sound that neither seemed to pick up as their concentration was rather on something else entirely. And suddenly Ms. Hanamaki looked a lot more tired than when she opened the door.

"Baby..." Matsukawa said, blinking. An actual baby. He didn't know Hanamaki had a kid brother? Or any siblings in fact. Was a cousin sleeping over? 

Tsuma Takahashi blinked, looking at him, and trying her best to smile, "Two actually. One's about 4, my stepson, the other's almost a year old. Both are sleeping in Takahiro's old room... or trying. Can you believe little old me carried another baby in this body for nine months? Was complete hell, I tell you."

Matsukawa was quite confused, however, "Oji-san's back?" He asked, referencing Hanamaki's father.

She shook her head slowly, "Divorced, actually. About three years, four? He stayed overseas and married some foreign hussy. I tell you, best decision he's ever made in his life, for him, for us, I'm... finally free." She smiled, looking down; there were banging footsteps, before the crying seemed to have calmed, "I almost forgot how being in love felt like. Certainly Hanamaki is blessed to have boyfriends like you three."

 

***

 

Matsukawa was feeling a lot more desperate after leaving Hanamaki's old residence. He went through some of Hanamaki's friends that he knew, Terushima practically cussed him out for waking him up (he could hear Sawamura scolding him in the background to be quiet), Kuroo said he didn't know but when he did he would kill him (apparently there was some history there), his old co-workers had also came up empty. He passed a few of Hanamaki's old jobs, some of them took up some of his time, talking to him, asking how that little squirt was doing, whether he had a number to call. Matsukawa didn't know what to tell them, all he knew that faking the smile on his face was beginning to really hurt. He wouldn't be surprised if he grew wrinkles over this. 

As he was walking, he passed a park bench, decided to take a short break even though his mind was screaming to keep walking, that he might find him soon, "Damnit Makki... where the hell...?" He had asked, feeling a strong breeze hit him head on, blowing his hair alike, forcing his eyes to close. When he closed them, a small memory of this morning played in his head, holding Hanamaki in his arms, kissing him on his neck, a minute before the alarm would go off and he'd have to get ready for class and for his presentation. Hanamaki had told him he'd do great, that he'd give him a small present if he got a good grade, and even if he didn't he'd give it to him anyway; promised that'd he'd try to convince Oikawa to wear a crop top and tights, maybe Iwaizumi too, and the both of them shivered at the delicious images. Iwaizumi had walked passed, told them Matsukawa would be late if he didn't get his ass up soon. Hanamaki refused to let him go, until Iwaizumi physically intervened. He pressed a thankful kiss on Iwaizumi's cheek before heading to the shower, hearing a yelp in the room behind him; Hanamaki had snatched Iwaizumi by the waist and pulled him down as replacement. 

He met Oikawa right before he left through the door, who gave him a goodluck kiss- Matsukawa had smiled large, barely feeling the nerves he had the days previous as he constantly went over what he would say and do, what is what, what goes where, who is who, banana.

All he wanted to do now was cuddle up with all of them, spend every second of his time with them instead of forcing himself to ignore them that coming week, for some project which no longer mattered to him, maybe watch a movie that was long overdue. Fight over which one to watch - Oikawa suggesting something extraterrestrial, Iwaizumi shoving a pillow in his face. Hanamaki recommending a porno, and while Matsukawa was all up for that, Oikawa and Iwaizumi would be quick to shut them down. That only left Iwaizumi's angst + romance thriller selections, which would be quite surprising for someone who didn't know Iwaizumi that well. Truthfully, he cried at almost any movie he watched, but would deny any such thing happening as long as he lived, even with evidence. Once Hanamaki had secretly taped him, and Iwaizumi refused to talk to him until he erased it. Hanamaki lasted only three hours before he did. 

Clenching his teeth, eyes downcast, it was probably past midnight by now, he realized. The familiar ring of his phone jolted him awake. Quickly taking it, looking at the caller ID, hoping that it was Makki calling. Oikawa's name and face was clear over his phone, the display picture of Oikawa holding a small peace sign crossing his cheek, with Matsukawa holding him from behind and Iwaizumi and Hanamaki peeking from one side in a dramatic selfie. Such dorks.

"Mattsun!" Oikawa yelled, relieved when Matsukawa actually picked up. Matsukawa tried to bite back his fears, not wanting to startle him, but also knowing Oikawa deserved to know.

"Tooru. Tooru, he's not at his parent's house. I just, I don't even know anymore. I went everywhere I can think of and couldn't find him. Damnit, that little..."

There was a pause on the other end, Matsukawa slightly regretted telling him, he could keep looking, he could have just..., "I know" Oikawa replied softly, "He texted me."

"He what?" What the fuck? That bastard, where did he go?

"He didn't tell me where he was or anything, but he did say he needed time. That we should act like everything's okay, be there for our Iwa-chan, until he can solve it."

Matsukawa bit his lip, trying not to choke out, "He has to come home, we need to talk about this."

"Mattsun... I know, I want him here too. But he promised that he was safe. That we shouldn't worry about him."

Matsukawa was reminded of Hanamaki's mother, a sense of bitterness overtaking him, "Why does he think he can just go through this alone?" They were his lovers, damnit. He shouldn't be hesitant to tell them what he was feeling, certainly not Matsukawa.

"I don't know Mattsun.." Oikawa sighed, "That's just how he is sometimes. Iwaizumi too." Oikawa as well, quite defensive about his past. He was still learning to be more open, and Hanamaki nor Matsukawa held it against him.

Matsukawa bit his lip, knowing he was just taking his frustrations out on his lover and it wasn't right, "I know.. Sorry Tooru... I guess I'm just frustrated that he didn't get in contact with me after all those calls I made to his cell."

"He said he did actually, try to contact you."

"What?"

Matsukawa blinked, immediately checking his phone. Sure enough, there was a text message from Hanamaki's number that he hadn't checked, he must have sent it when Matsukawa was at Hanamaki's... er, Takahashi's residence.

"You should come home Mattsun, it.. it's late. We'll see to it in the morning."

Matsukawa took a breath, promised he'd be home very soon, and that Oikawa should sleep before he did. After hanging up, standing, he quickly looked at the text message he received, wanting to give Hanamaki a piece of his mind, ready to call him, find him, and drag him back home. 

Until his eyes fell over the text, 

**Hanaxoxo:** _I love you and I'm sorry._

It was short and confusing and brought Matsukawa back on the bench, dry sobs escaping his throat, trying to cover them up. Ignoring the couples who were walking past him, staring at the heartbroken man as they passed, too scared and weirded out to approach, much preferred.

***

Oikawa was sitting in the kitchen, at the dining room table, phone clenched tight in his hands. Another hour had passed when he had called Matsukawa and he was still waiting for him to come home. He had checked on Iwaizumi multiple times, sometimes trying to see if he could fall asleep, cuddling up against his back, holding him.

But he just couldn't. A nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Today of all days. The milk bread remained untouched too, everything was.

He had thrown out the creampuffs as they were probably going to go bad by tomorrow [Hanamaki tended to like them fresh, afterall]. He had repacked the sushi to give to Hanamaki's mother since they hadn't seen eachother for years and it wouldn't be acceptable if they didn't bring anything. He continued by stating that he would just buy more for Iwaizumi the next day since he didn't totally blow off his tips just yet. Matsukawa had rolled his eyes, and hugged him yet again. Oikawa had tried his best to bury the rest of his emotions back, wanting Matsukawa to go out and find him, to make sure their Takahiro was okay.

Deep down he had a feeling he knew what this was, it couldn't be a coincidence after all. And inside, it was killing him more and more, those dreaded thoughts coming back to haunt him, that it was because of him, that he was never good enough, that his lovers were distressed and it was all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's obvious that there's more going on then simply Iwaizumi kicking Hanamaki out. Communication barriers from all sides. How can they get through this together.... can they?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE. PLEASE STAY SAFE EVERYONE! This chapter will be focused on Hanamaki's past. Where is he? What is he doing? ... And why?

Hanamaki wouldn't go as far and say he had the worst life: a roof over his head, food in his belly, taken to and from school without incident and disciplined accordingly if he messed up (which was quite often, mind you. He liked bugs, and he also liked putting bugs in girls' hair.)

But sometimes, just sometimes, there were those moments that his parents tended to neglect him, in favor of whacking and berating each other. It began as long as he could remember, and grew worse as the years went on, their voices practically became an alarm in his head; as soon as he awoke to screaming, he knew it was a little bit after 6 am, when his father would usually wake up to go to his lame salary job. He'd lie in wait passed seven, waiting for his mother to come get him ready for school. 

He remembered that time coming home from to his mother whacking his dad with a belt, his father was screaming and yelling curses at her from the couch, telling her what a "witch" she was, that he shouldn't have taken his brothers advice because ever since then he never had a single good nights sleep. That she would never understand the issues he had to deal with as the breadwinner of the family, that she had it so easy taking care of the kid at home while he was actually doing something productive.

Hanamaki had avoided his mother for a while after that, the memory clear as day in his mind, how she held both ends of the weapon in her hand and flicked it across his fathers stomach and outreaching hands and kept on whipping throughout his dad's constant curses on her life. Hanamaki was afraid that if he ever upset her he would be next. 

Then miraculously everything became better. His mother was cheerier, his fathers colorful language had stopped; he had gotten a promotion at his job, after twenty years with them, which demanded more of his time and patience and she...

She was pregnant; told her son two months later when he finally felt comfortable enough to joke around with her again. His father was at work (which became constant, barely enough time for his family), which allowed him and his mother to grow closer: cooking with her (he found he really liked helping her with the pastry dishes), tending to their vegetable garden and getting messy, dancing in front of the television as she tried to scold him not to be so close while still laughing at her sons antics,and he enjoyed it. When his father came home that day, Takahiro had ran up to hug him, his father gave him a peculiar, tired smile, running his hands through his hair; he called his wife, and kissed her on the forehead, asking her how her day was, she asking him how work was.

But suddenly, something happened. He woke up at 6:45 am to the sound of something, screaming which hadn't happened in a while, yet this time it was only his mothers voice.When he peeked out to check up on them he noticed her in the middle of the living room, holding her hair in her hands. There was a peculiar mark on her face which really looked like it hurt and his father was no where to be found. She took notice to him, apologized while wiping her tears, told him that she wouldn't be able to take him to school and that he could take it easy. She then stood up and stormed up to her room passing him.

There was no cooking, no gardening, no exercising side by side, no smiles nor laughs or kisses nor confessions of love. When night time came, with no sign of his father, Hanamaki caught her in the kitchen, holding her face in her hands, dryly sobbing, he didn't know how long she had been like that but he remembered hearing peculiar soft sounds consistently throughout his day in his room. He had hesitantly walked over to her, took a seat on her lap, and wrapped his hands around her stomach, laying his head on her tummy where they told him the "baby" was. It didn't stop the pain in the slightest, the tears kept coming, yet she had returned the gesture with soft kisses to his hair, holding him back just as tightly for a long time.

She told him that when he grew up she hoped she was enough to teach him not to be like his pathetic father. Hanamaki was 11 at the time, barely passing fifth grade standard in favor of having his own "fun", yet still promised her he wouldn't be. The next day he heard his mother talking to one of her friends on the phone, something about "being gone," yet this time she wasn't crying.

He had met Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Iwaizumi in high school during volleyball tryouts. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were already childhood friends and "sweethearts" the team would often joke, constantly denied by the both of them with red faces. Hanamaki joined along in the teasing for the funny, and gained quite the favorable laughs from his jokes, angry and shy responses from the recipient of the butt of said jokes. Matsukawa Issei held the same sort of humor he found; Hanamaki felt like he was being lured in that deep raspy laugh the other projected in the name of puberty. One day while in class, Oikawa had visited his classroom. Apparently he was a popular fellow who had many fangirls that he wouldn't dare ignore. And halfway through lunchtime, Oikawa finally found the right time to slip away, grab him, and drag him out.

They met Iwaizumi and Matsukawa on the rooftop, who were eating and chatting at the same time, their books were open in front of them and bags were also open in front of them, between them. Both turned as the door opened, Iwaizumi had immediately got up to smack Oikawa over the head, demanding why he took his sweet ass time. Hanamaki had walked over to Matsukawa who was smirking at him, elbowed him 'Such a couple' they both mouthed to eachother, grinned, both trying to use eachother as a shield when Oikawa and Iwaizumi came after them.

They were pretty inseparable after that.

He felt like he could talk to them about anything, felt like he could be himself without having to pretend. His first sleepover was at Iwaizumi's house, whose parents were rather kind despite his father being a blackbelt, both insisting they tell them if they ever felt a shred of hunger or thirst, scolding Hajime about being nice to their guests when Hajime had got at them for asking whether they were actually Iwaizumi's parents or whether he was adopted (Oikawa had insisted they must be aliens, though the truth was clear as day as he was an exact carbon copy of his mother, and also held his father's temper apparently, Hanamaki thought he wouldn't mind if Iwaizumi had gained his chubbiness as well.) Inside, Hanamaki had wondered whether there was more to this family than what meets the eye. He had also taken note to the various bruises plastered throughout Oikawa's body, whenever he raised his hands in a stretch like motion which expose his stomach where the red and purple patches of skin would be spaced around, how sometimes he walked with a limp (though everyone assumed it was because of a volleyball injury) and how sometimes he didn't attend school altogether usually in increments of a week or two. Hanamaki would often look to his friends to see whether they noticed, but neither seemed to say anything about it so he didn't either.

His first girlfriend confessed to him after taking note of his talent on the volleyball field. This, in turn, caused him to feel quite giddier which didn't exactly go unnoticed to his lame friends, who were suddenly ace at making jokes at his expense (who really surprised him was Iwaizumi), of his constant redness when she was ever brought up and joked about, how 'whipped' he was whenever she came to visit him with a packed lunch for her and him, going as far as to wipe his face in front of his friends with her handkerchief, jokingly asking 'what would you ever do without me?' 

After being accused that he wasn't being open to her, Hanamaki reconciled himself to tell his girlfriend about everything and not those half-assed comments he usually passed by his friends such as having 'lame boring parents'. So one day, sitting side by side over her bed, he told her, about everything, about his useless father and mother who only seemed to in flict pain towards eachother, that sometimes he wished she would just leave that guy or he would just leave and it would be over and done with. That sometimes he just really hated them.

She stayed silent the entire time, taking everything in, rubbing his hand in a comforting gesture, head over his shoulder. After a pause, she decided to give her own input. How, she probably wouldn't understand because her parents were Christians and nice people. He had accidentally blurted that there might be demons under wraps that she didn't know about either, earning an unimpressed glare that surprisingly rivaled Iwaizumi's. That was probably the worst thing to say apparently. She told him that she understood he was hurting, but that didn't give him the right to say that, and to say he hated his own parents? That was like the worst thing a child should ever say and he should be grateful, that he was probably just overreacting and to give them time. That even the best relationships fought, but they only ended up growing stronger in the end. 

Their relationship didn't last long let me tell you. 

He remembered his second year, after telling his parents that their team was getting ready for regionals, perhaps maybe even nationals, that he was actually going to play on the field this time. His mother said she was proud of him, gave him a huge smooch over his cheek, his father seemed quiet, but was nodding slightly in approval behind his newspaper, and that small gesture was enough to make Hanamaki feel pretty damn good about himself. He had asked whether they would come to watch him, his mother had agreed almost instantly while his father remained quiet that time. 

The next morning, on a Saturday, his father had passed him right before he was going to volleyball, an early start in order to practice for the coming vigorous matches, packed and ready to go with a bag full of waterbottles and extra clothes. His father had hugged him; Hanamaki stayed limp and confused as his father told him he'd do great, that he was actually proud of him. It was just so surprisingly since it had been a while since his father had touched him in such an intimate way. His dad had apologized, told him that he was actually going to a business trip overseas soon and he wouldn't be able to attend his game. But he would be back soon enough to hear all about it. And Hanamaki wanted to win for him.

They won a few games during regional's, before being squashed around the 5th against one of the tougher leagues, neither anyone in the team or the stadium could deny Oikawa's and Iwaizumi's involvement in the fact that they got so far to begin with, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride as they spoke about them. It was one of the first days he saw anyone of his friends cry, the first time he felt comfortable enough to cry with them. His mother met them, and their parents all in the same day, most in passing, it was quite an embarassing experience, especially hearing them compliment him which he swore was just half-assed to get his mother on their good side, and she returned them with silly stories about his childhood which made them all laugh and he swore he'd get back at them one day.

They didn't win and his father didn't come back.

He learned months later, after eavesdropping on his mothers conversation, that his dad had actually gotten married to someone else in a foreign country. His mother's face was one of indifference, he didn't know what she was feeling inside, but his heart went out for her. His friends were his only source of comfort then, everytime they joked with him, about him, poked , placing a simple hand over his shoulders or around him - it was his distraction from missing his father, from his screwed up life, and in that moment something was starting to become more apparent, the way he felt everytime his 'friends' touched him.

When his dad came back to sign the divorce papers, Hanamaki didn't tell anyone. His mother didn't even look at him across the lawyer table and neither did he. He told them he hoped them the best of luck, that if they ever had money issues to call him. He had caught Hanamaki outside later alone while trying to get a hold of Matsukawa, said that he was always welcome to join him overseas if he wanted, a nice warm place, with a variety of girls. Hanamaki decided to hide the fact that he was actually dating someone now, more like three someones simultaneously, even though he wanted too. Accepted the business card his father gave him, and burned it with a lighter when he had a chance.

After his father had left them hanging, his mother was forced to find a job. Thankfully her friends had many connections and were able to hook her up with a secretary position. She came back home mostly stressed out, tired with dealing with her bosses attitudes towards her, with people yelling at her from their offices, from the telephones, sometimes it was just too much for her. Yet she still went back, even though everytime she came home she looked a little more dead inside. 

Hanamaki had gotten a job working out general labor, carrying sacks from A to B, working out some of the machines (even though he didn't have particular licenses), he cleaned even though he despised cleaning. When his mother found out about it after a surprise visit to the emergency room, she insisted he quit immediately. His education was most important, she said. That she was fully capable of carrying this burden on herself, that they were making enough money and then some. Hanamaki only agreed after Matsukawa, Iwaizumi and Oikawa chided him for it, threatened to haze him everytime they saw eachother until he agreed to quit.

Then one day, at a superstore, he was with his mother running errands with her. Hands over his cart while he followed her around. They unexpectedly ran into one of her bosses, although her face dropped when seeing him, it returned brighter when she caught the small child in his arms looking over at her in curiosity.

"Is that little Takeru?" She cooed, moving a hand towards the little child in her bosses arms, which grasped it with her fist, still curious, and waving it around. He giggled as she sent him cute faces, which he returned just as happily. Mr. Takahashi seemed quite taken off guard just as much as Hanamaki, though that probably wasn't true.

Because after taking note of his mother's expression on her face when she turned, Hanamaki couldn't stop thinking about it. It was just so unfamiliar to him, the way her lips curled in a wide smile, her face practically glowing then; it was soon he realized that what his mother was emitting was happiness, the same expression he adorned when he was with his own boyfriends.  


And that's when Hanamaki realized she hadn't been happy for a very long time. 

The marriage came quick and quite unexpected to be honest. Hanamaki held his new-step baby brother as his mother walked down the aisle towards them, she looked absolutely beautiful in her white traditional garbs. It was quite the small ceremony, since they both were divorced, met with hostilities from both sides. Hanamaki didn't even find it important to bring it up to anyone since it came to an end quite quickly; though he had sent a picture of him in his suit to the group chat his boyfriends were in which had caught quite the amount of attention and demands that Hanamaki come to their own respected houses immediately. He had laughed then, before turning off his phone and slipping it in his pocket, watching as his mother and new step father danced in a meagerly restaurant which didn't fit a couple who just got married, surrounded by people who didn't know them. He had come to the realization quite quickly, as he watched his mother say yes, pick her new step son, twirl them around and kiss him underneath his chin, accepting the hand that came around her, shyly trying to wiggle away which earned quite the amount of laughter and just made Mr. Takahashi hold on tighter.

It was the first time he wasn't seeing his mother as his mother, but as a woman, who had a lot of experience and suffering on her back, who finally found a future.

A future that he no longer had room in. 

So when his lovers had given him an out, a simple suggestion of moving in together after their high school career; apparently Iwaizumi's parents had a place they were renting out and were quite eager to give it to them, Hanamaki had accepted it almost instantly even though Iwaizumi had told them to take their time and get back to him on it. It was no easy decision after all. He remembered Matsukawa's grin, telling him that he was 110% all in, while Oikawa had simply hung his arms around Iwaizumi's shoulders, the latter leaning back against the warmth, tears prickling his eyes, all of theirs. Apparently Iwaizumi had been quite nervous to ask, having kept this thought alive for months in his head, but now that it was all out in the open and they accepted, he no longer had anything to fear.

When Hanamaki had told his mother; being on holidays now, Mr. Takahashi was at work, and his kid step brother was at his biological mothers house, she had paused. Turned to look at him having been washing the dishes. Bit her lip and simply replied, "Whatever you do, I'll support you."

It was the first of many knives.

 

***

Hanamaki sighed from where he was, his legs pushed up over the docks edge, feeling the water beneath his feet even though it was 60 inches down. Around him, he could hear the soft vibrations of the machines he used to work, surprisingly more comforting than not, better than silence really. He had snuck out from the house he was currently residing in, feeling quite suffocated, rather the walls were quite thin and he didn't want his hosts to hear him, rolling and thrashing around in his bed, whispering the names of his loved one unable to sleep; their comforting smiles and hugs and kisses a memory. 

He had heard another vibration in his pocket, probably from Oikawa responding to his text, telling him that he loved him over and over. Hanamaki had already told him it wasn't his fault; but Oikawa probably didn't believe him, which hurt him just as much. He was very tempted to call him but...

He missed his lovers terribly, even though it had only been a few hours. He missed Matsukawa's voice; he knew he should have picked up on the first ring, but he also knew that he would probably break down when he heard it and he didn't want that. He missed Oikawa and his playful jives, his kisses and comfortable touches that made him feel like everything was alright in the world, gossiping about other people, especially ones from their past which they openly hated. Hanamaki found out his ex-girlfriend was getting married, good on her, he hoped she got divorced.

He missed Iwaizumi, remembering quite clearly the conversation they had hours ago, the words which were exchanged, started by Iwaizumi and then Hanamaki had thrown some back in a fit of desperation. And when he left, the slight resentment he felt, towards himself, for making Iwaizumi look the way he did.

The image wouldn't leave his mind as much as he tried to shake his head out of it, bang his fist over his forehead, telling himself that it was all going to be better, that in no time he would be in those bara-arms again. But the voice in his head told him something completely different. When Iwaizumi demanded he go back to his parents place, Hanamaki remembered her. 

And then the pieces were falling again, the realization that they might not actually be able to get through this, that it was too far gone, that... his lovers would still keep going, even without him there. 

And with that apprehensive thought, his tears became one with the sea.


End file.
